male announcer: HERE WE GO AGAIN,
PUTTING A SMILEY FACE ON DEATH.
- HEAR, HEAR!
announcer: OUR LATEST VICTIMS
ARE JUST DYING TO MAKE YOU LAUGH...
[laughter]
LIKE THE GUY WHO HAD TO PEE AND THEN SPRUNG A LEAK...
- AAH!
announcer: OR THE PROCTOLOGIST
WHO GOT REAR-ENDED.
YOU'LL BUST A GUT WATCHING THESE TWO IDIOTS.
- DUDE! - YOU IDIOT!
announcer: THE RUSSIAN HIT MAN
WILL SLAY YOU.
THESE VIKINGS WILL REALLY CRACK YOU UP.
- [groans]
announcer: AND YOU'LL HAVE TEARS IN YOUR EYES
WHEN YOU SEE WHAT HAPPENS
AFTER THIS NATURE LOVER GOES DOWN.
- [coughs]
announcer: IT'S JUST YOUR FAVORITE RECURRING NIGHTMARE
CALLED 1,000 WAYS TO DIE.
DEATH IS EVERYWHERE.
MOST OF US TRY TO AVOID IT.
OTHERS CAN'T GET OUT OF ITS WAY.
EVERY DAY WE FIGHT A NEW WAR
AGAINST GERMS, TOXINS,
INJURY, ILLNESS,
AND CATASTROPHE.
THERE'S A LOT OF WAYS TO WIND UP DEAD.
THE FACT THAT WE SURVIVE AT ALL IS A MIRACLE,
BECAUSE EVERY DAY WE LIVE,
WE FACE 1,000 WAYS TO DIE.
DAVE HAD A DREAM.
HE WANTED TO LOOK AS CARVED AND CUT
AS A PROFESSIONAL BODYBUILDER.
THE PROBLEM WAS DAVE WAS AS LAZY AS HE WAS VAIN.
FOLLOWING THE PATH OF LEAST PERSISTENCE,
DAVE CAME UP WITH A PERFECT SHORTCUT--
LIPOSUCTION.
THERE WAS NO WAY DAVE COULD AFFORD A REAL PLASTIC SURGEON.
HIS SOLUTION-- DO IT HIMSELF.
BUT HE'D NEED HELP.
- JOHNNY.
WHAT'S UP, BOSS?
- DAVE, HOW ARE YOU, BUDDY?
- I'M GOOD. YOURSELF? - GOOD, MAN.
announcer: BEST FRIEND JOHNNY
WAS THE LOYAL-TO-A-FAULT,
DO-ANYTHING-YOU-ASK, FOLLOW-YOU-ANYWHERE
KIND OF FRIEND.
- SEE, IF WE JUST MAKE INCISIONS,
LITTLE INCISIONS. - I'LL DO IT.
- YEAH, I KNEW YOU WOULD. NICE!
announcer: WITH LESS THAN HALF A BRAIN BETWEEN THEM,
THEY CAME UP WITH A HALF-ASSED PLAN.
FOR ANESTHESIA, SOME FREEZE SPRAY...
- MY ARM'S ALREADY NUMB.
announcer: AND A HANDFUL OF PAINKILLERS.
FOR THE ALL-IMPORTANT SUCKING POWER,
A GARAGE VACUUM.
- OH, HEY.
- ARE YOU SURE YOU WANT ME TO DO THIS?
- DO IT! - OKAY.
announcer: DR. JOHNNY MADE A CRUDE INCISION,
STUCK AN EVEN CRUDER TUBE INTO DAVE'S STOMACH,
AND HIT THE SWITCH.
- IT'S WORKING. HOLD STILL, OH!
I'M GETTING FAT.
announcer: DAVE'S VACUUM COULD SUCK
210 CUBIC FEET OF AIR PER MINUTE.
A NORMAL HOUSE VACUUM IS IN THE 30 TO 40 RANGE.
A TYPICAL LIPOSUCTION MOTOR
HAS A C.F.M. RATING OF ONLY THREE.
- I DON'T KNOW, MAN.
- MAKE SURE IT'S EVEN.
- THIS ISN'T RIGHT.
- MAKE SURE IT'S EVEN!
- IT'S EVEN.
announcer: FOR A MINUTE, IT LOOKED LIKE
THEIR CRAZY PLAN WAS ACTUALLY GOING TO WORK.
- AAH!
- HOLD STILL. WHOA.
announcer: BUT THEN THE FAT HIT THE FAN.
JOHNNY MISTAKENLY LOCKED ONTO A PIECE OF DAVE'S INTESTINES
AND BEGAN SUCKING THE LIFE OUT OF HIS DUMB FRIEND.
- YOU IDIOT!
PULL IT OUT! TURN IT OFF!
announcer: BEFORE HE COULD PULL THE PLUG,
JOHNNY HAD SUCKED ENOUGH OF DAVE'S GUTS
TO TURN HIM FROM A FATTY INTO A FATALITY.
- A CANNULA IS A HOLLOW-TUBE INSTRUMENT
DESIGNED TO GO RIGHT UNDERNEATH THE SKIN
TO SUCTION OUT THE FAT CELLS.
IN THIS CASE,
HE USED A FULL-STRENGTH INDUSTRIAL VACUUM HOSE,
WHICH PIERCED THE SKIN, THE FAT CELLS,
THE MUSCLE LAYER, AND THROUGH THE ABDOMINAL CAVITY,
CAUSING THE INTESTINES TO SUCK UP ONTO THE CANNULA,
'CAUSING BLOOD LOSS, SHOCK, AND DEATH.
announcer: IT'S NOT HARD TO FIGURE OUT
LIPOSUCTION IN YOUR OWN GARAGE
IS NOT A GOOD IDEA.
- YOU IDIOT!
announcer: DAVE DIDN'T HAVE A LOT OF BRAINS,
BUT HE SURE HAD A LOT OF GUTS.
HE WAS BORN JEFFREY MILLER.
- FIND SOME GOLD, OR YOU'RE NOT EATING TONIGHT!
announcer: BUT THE NATIVES CALLED HIM SEŅOR CUZO.
- WHERE'S MY GOLD, MIGUEL?
announcer: NOW YOU KNOW HOW TO SAY "JACKASS" IN PORTUGUESE.
- DIG FASTER!
announcer: JEFF HAD COME TO BRAZIL'S AMAZON BASIN
SEARCHING FOR GOLD.
HE HIRED A BUNCH OF LOCALS,
TREATED THEM LIKE CRAP, AND PAID THEM NEXT TO NOTHING.
TO BEAT THE HEAT,
JEFF WOULD COOL OFF WITH A SWIM.
SWIMMING OFTEN LEADS TO PEEING.
TODAY JEFF WAS ABOUT TO FIND OUT
THE AMAZON IS FILLED WITH CREATURES
EVEN NASTIER THAN HE.
- AAH. AAH!
DAMN IT! AAH!
- CANDIRU.
- AAH! AAH!
announcer: SAY HELLO TO A CANDIRU, MR. CUZO.
- THE CANDIRU IS A SMALL FISH,
ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A PENCIL.
AND THEY'RE ATTRACTED BY URINE AND FECES.
THIS FISH GETS UP THERE VERY FAST,
THROWS OUT ITS PECTORAL FINS,
AND LOCKS ITSELF IN THERE.
THEY'RE VERY SHARP. IT'S LIKE A TRIPLE HOOK.
BAD FISH. BAD FISH.
announcer: WITH THE CANDIRU'S PECTORAL SPINES
DIGGING INTO HIS URETHRA,
JEFF WAS EXPERIENCING THE WORST PAIN IMAGINABLE.
- AAH!
announcer: HE HAD TWO OPTIONS--
LEAVE IT IN AND RISK AMPUTATION,
OR PULL IT OUT AND TEAR OUT THE INSIDE OF HIS MEMBER.
JEFF SUCKED IT UP AND LET IT RIP.
- AAH!
announcer: YOU KNOW YOU'RE HAVING A BAD DAY
WHEN A SHREDDED PENIS IS NOT THE WORST THING THAT HAPPENS.
- HELP ME! HELP ME!
announcer: THE BLOOD POURING OUT OF LITTLE JEFF
ATTRACTED A RAVENOUS SCHOOL OF PIRANHA,
WHO PROCEEDED TO EAT HIM ALIVE.
JEFF CAME LOOKING FOR GOLD.
- DIG FASTER!
announcer: BUT A LITTLE FISH SWAM UP HIS POLE,
THE YELLOW WATER TURNED BLOODY RED,
AND BEFORE YOU KNEW IT,
JEFF, HE DEAD.
COMING UP,
A PROCTOLOGIST GETS A BURNING SENSATION...
- OH, HERE WE GO.
announcer: AND A VIKING STORY THAT WILL TAKE YOUR BREATH AWAY.
announcer: YOUR MAMA ALWAYS HOPED
THAT YOU'D GROW UP AND BE A RICH DOCTOR SOMEDAY,
BUT SHE PROBABLY DIDN'T HAVE THIS GUY IN MIND.
DR. BUTERA MADE A GOOD LIVING
IN THE BACK END OF THE MEDICAL BUSINESS.
AND IF HE WASN'T STITCHING TAIL,
HE WAS CHASING IT.
HE HAD A PATIENT ACROSS TOWN NAMED MAKI.
A POLE DANCER BY TRADE,
SHE OCCASIONALLY MOONLIGHTED IN THE PORN INDUSTRY.
UNFORTUNATELY, WHILE FILMING ONE DAY,
SHE TOOK IN A LITTLE MORE THAN SHE BARGAINED FOR.
- YOW.
- PORN STARS ARE DEFINITELY THE ATHLETES AND THE GLADIATORS
OF THE ENTERTAINMENT BUSINESS.
THERE CAN BE SOME HAZARDS INVOLVED PHYSICALLY.
ONE TIME I DID NEED TO SEE A DOCTOR
DUE TO THE SIZE OF THE PERFORMER AND THE FRICTION.
announcer: THE NEXT MORNING,
DR. BUTERA WAS READY TO WORK HIS MAGIC.
- LOOK, ISN'T THIS BEAUTIFUL?
- A CAUTERIZER IS USED IN THE OPERATING ROOM
TO CUT SKIN OR OTHER TISSUE.
SO THEN INSTEAD OF A SCALPEL,
WHERE YOU WOULD CUT AND GET A LOT OF BLEEDING,
WITH A CAUTERIZER, WE CUT, AND NO BLEEDING OCCURS.
announcer: BUT RIGHT THEN,
MAKI'S REAR END RELEASED SOME EXHAUST.
- OOH.
announcer: IT SEEMS THE PROCTOLOGIST
HAD FAILED TO TELL HIS PATIENT TO FAST
THE STANDARD 12 HOURS BEFORE SURGERY.
- MMM. YUMMY.
announcer: AND LAST NIGHT'S CHILI DOG
WAS STARTING TO GROWL.
BUTERA DOVE INTO A CLOUD OF GAS AND WENT TO WORK.
- HERE WE GO, HERE WE GO, IN FOR THE KILL.
announcer: BUT JUST BEFORE MAKING THE FINAL SEAL,
MAKI'S TAILPIPE BACKFIRED AGAIN.
AND DR. BUTERA
WAS ASS-ASSINATED.
- BECAUSE THE GAS IN OUR COLON
IS MADE OUT OF METHANE, HYDROGEN, AND OXYGEN--
METHANE AND HYDROGEN ARE VERY, VERY FLAMMABLE.
ANY KIND OF INSTRUMENT THAT CREATES A SPARK,
SUCH AS A CAUTERIZER,
AND IT COMES IN CONTACT WITH THAT GAS,
A FIRE IS VERY LIKELY TO OCCUR.
AND IN THIS SITUATION,
JUST AS THE DOCTOR INHALED,
THE PATIENT'S BUTT EXHALED.
THE FLAME TRAVELED DIRECTLY DOWN THE WINDPIPE
AND COMPLETELY FRIED HIS LUNGS.
announcer: WHEN IT COMES TO PROCTOLOGISTS,
DR. BUTERA THOUGHT HE WAS THE BOMB...
UNTIL HIS PATIENT EXPLODED ONE IN HIS FACE.
VIKING KING NYGARD
WAS YOUR TYPICAL OVERACHIEVING OLDER BROTHER.
- MY WARRIORS, I HAVE AN ANNOUNCEMENT.
I'M GOING MARAUDING. - HEAR, HEAR!
announcer: BY THE TIME HE WAS 17,
NYGARD WAS RANKED NUMBER ONE IN "R" AND "P"--
RAPING AND PILLAGING.
- SO WHILE I'M AWAY,
I'LL BE LEAVING EVERYTHING TO MY FAITHFUL BROTHER MORD.
announcer: LITTLE BROTHER MORD'S CLAIM TO FAME?
HE WAS THE YOUNGEST EVER IN THEIR VILLAGE TO GET SYPHILIS.
- THE VIKINGS WERE SCANDINAVIANS
WHO WENT ABROAD AS PIRATES AND RAIDERS.
THE WANDERLUST OF SEAFARING PEOPLES
MAKES IT POSSIBLE THAT THEY CONTRACTED SOCIAL DISEASES
AND SPREAD IT BACK TO THEIR HOMELAND.
announcer: WITH NYGARD GONE, THE PARTY WAS ON.
- WILL YOU STOP, FOR GOODNESS SAKE?
- GET OUT OF HERE, BOTH OF YA.
announcer: AND WHEN THE QUEEN TRIED TO SHUT IT DOWN...
- I AM THE KING HERE NOW.
announcer: MORD THREW HER DOWN AND RAPED HER.
FOR THE NEXT FEW MONTHS,
HE HAD HIS WAY WITH HIS BROTHER'S WIFE
UNTIL...
- WHAT IN THOR'S NAME IS THIS?
GET HIM!
announcer: MORD THOUGHT, AS ALWAYS,
HIS BIG BROTHER WOULD LET NYGARDS BE NYGARDS.
- I'M GONNA TAKE YOUR LIFE.
announcer: NOT THIS TIME.
- I'M GONNA DO IT THE WORST WAY WE KNOW HOW!
announcer: NYGARD WAS REFERRING SOMETHING
CALLED THE BLOOD EAGLE.
- THE VIKINGS USED THE BLOOD EAGLE TO GET REVENGE.
THE BACK WAS SLICED DOWN THE SPINE.
THEN THE RIBS WERE PRIED AWAY FROM THE SPINE.
- AAH!
- AND THE LUNGS WERE PULLED OUT FROM INSIDE.
- IF YOU DISRUPT THE RIB CAGE
AND YOU BRING THE LUNGS ON THE OUTSIDE,
THERE'S NO FORCE IT CAN USE IN ORDER TO EXPAND,
AND THE LUNGS WILL SHRIVEL UP AND SHRINK,
AND YOU CAN'T BRING ANYMORE OXYGEN IN.
announcer: BLOOD'S THICKER THAN WATER...
- HEAR, HEAR!
announcer: BUT MORD SCREWED UP.
GOT YOUR BACK, BRO.
COMING UP...
- AAH!
announcer: SOME RUSSIAN MOBSTERS TOAST
AND GET TOASTED.
AND A FULL METAL BRA MAKES A PARTYGOER
VERY ATTRACTIVE.
announcer: HOW DOES A UKRAINIAN IMMIGRANT MAKE IT IN AMERICA?
ONE WAY IS TO JOIN THE RUSSIAN MAFIA.
- [speaking Russian]
announcer: IVAN WAS FRESH OFF THE BOAT
AND READY TO DO WHATEVER IT TOOK.
HE ARRANGED A MEETING WITH THE MOBSTERS.
BEFORE HE COULD JOIN,
IVAN HAD TO HELP OUT IN THEIR LOAN-SHARKING DEPARTMENT.
- THE RUSSIAN MAFIA IS A CRIMINAL ENTERPRISE
THAT STARTED AFTER THE FALL OF THE SOVIET UNION.
THEY'RE VERY LARGE.
THEY'RE VERY WELL FINANCED.
THEY'RE VERY WELL ORGANIZED.
AND THEY'RE VERY DEADLY.
announcer: WITH HIS WEAPON OF CHOICE,
A TIRE IRON,
IVAN SET OUT TO COLLECT ON SOME DEBTS.
FIRST, LARRY THE LOSER WAS REMINDED...
TO PAY UP.
NEXT CAME GARTH.
HE GOT BONKED WHILE MAKING A DEPOSIT.
AND LAST, GAY GARY.
THE BROTHERHOOD DIDN'T APPROVE OF HIM
OR HIS LATE PAYMENTS.
- AAH!
[woman screams]
announcer: BACK AT HEADQUARTERS,
IVAN LEARNED THERE WAS ONE LAST TASK.
IT WAS THE RUSSIAN MAFIA VERSION OF A MANICURE.
THEY NEEDED TO BURN HIS FINGERTIPS WITH SULFURIC ACID.
THEY DIDN'T WANT ANYONE LEAVING PRINTS
ON BODIES OR AT CRIME SCENES.
AT LAST, HE WAS ONE OF THEM--
A BRATVA.
- [speaking Russian]
announcer: TO CELEBRATE,
ONE LAST SHOT OF THEIR SPECIAL, HOMEMADE VODKA.
THAT DIDN'T GO DOWN SO WELL.
IT SEEMS BORIS, THEIR LOYAL BUT SENILE BARTENDER,
POURED FROM THE WRONG BOTTLE.
LIKE VODKA, SULFURIC ACID IS A COLORLESS LIQUID,
WHICH, WHEN INGESTED,
WILL IMMEDIATELY BEGIN
TO DISSOLVE TISSUE IN THE THROAT AND STOMACH.
IT WILL BURN UP THE ESOPHAGUS AND INTERNAL ORGANS,
RESULTING IN FATAL INJURIES.
HOW ABOUT ONE LAST TOAST FOR OUR FALLEN COMRADE?
- [coughing]
announcer: UP YOURS, SCUMSKI.
THERE'S ONE THING YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT CINDY.
SHE'S AS HORNY AS A THREE-BALLED CAT.
TONIGHT'S PARTY WAS A CHANCE
TO DRAG HOME A LIKELY SPERM DONOR
AND DRAIN HIM OF HIS PRECIOUS BODILY FLUIDS.
LEAVING NOTHING TO CHANCE,
CINDY PICKED HER OUTFIT CAREFULLY.
THE MOST IMPORTANT WEAPON IN HER FASHION ARSENAL--
A METAL-REINFORCED BRA SHE BOUGHT AT A LINGERIE STORE.
- THE FIRST BRA PATENT
HAD A FULL METAL PLATE HOLDING UP THE BREASTS.
AND THEN IN THE 1930s IS WHEN WE FIRST SEE
THE BRA AS WE KNOW IT TODAY
WITH UNDERWIRE IN IT.
IT GOES AROUND THE BREAST, BOTH SIDES,
AND THEN THERE'S A METAL HOOK-AND-EYE CLOSURES.
announcer: WITH HER CHEST LOADED WITH TWIN TORPEDOES,
CINDY WAS READY FOR ACTION.
- HEY, GUYS.
announcer: ONCE AT THE PARTY, CINDY MADE SURE SHE KEPT
THE GUYS ABREAST OF THE SITUATION.
[thunder rumbles]
A SUDDEN STORM GIVES HER A CHANCE
TO PUT IT ALL ON DISPLAY.
- OH, MY GOD.
I HAVEN'T BEEN IN A WET-T-SHIRT CONTEST
SINCE CABO.
- OH, YEAH.
- WHOO!
announcer: CINDY WAS THE LIFE OF THE PARTY
UNTIL...
- IMAGINE 300 KILOVOLTS OF ELECTRICITY
ENTERING YOUR HEART AT ONCE.
IT'S GONNA EXPLODE IT.
IT'S GONNA TRAVEL THROUGH THE BODY.
IT'S GONNA EXIT OUT ONE OF YOUR LEGS INTO THE GROUND,
AND AT THAT HEAT, IT CAN ACTUALLY MELT SAND.
announcer: CINDY'S SLUTTY OUTFIT WAS A BIG HIT.
EVERY GUY WANTED HER, BUT THEN...
SHE BOLTED.
[loud thud]
WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN A GIRL GIVES MOUTH-TO-MOUTH
TO A DEAD RACCOON?
- STAY WITH ME.
announcer: STICK AROUND AND FIND OUT.
- [chanting]
announcer: SHE WORSHIPS NATURE,
EATS NOTHING BUT RAW VEGGIES...
- MMM.
announcer: HAS THE WORLD'S LONGEST PATCH OF ARMPIT HAIR,
AND DRIVES A HYBRID.
SHE CALLS HERSELF MORNING GLORY.
ANOTHER NAME FOR HER...
HOW ABOUT "FRUIT CAKE"?
ON HER WAY TO A HEMP CONVENTION,
SHE POPS IN HER FAVORITE CD...
AND BLISSES ON DOWN THE ROAD.
- OH. OH.
[imitating whale calling]
[loud thud]
OH, MY GOD.
announcer: SHE HITS SOMETHING...
- OH, NO.
OH, MY GOD. NO.
announcer: A RACCOON.
THE NATURE LOVER WAS DEVASTATED.
- IT'S OKAY. I'M HERE.
STAY WITH ME.
announcer: SHE BENT OVER,
BUT HER MOUTH TO ITS BLOODY MOUTH,
- ONE, TWO, THREE...
announcer: AND TRIED TO BREATHE LIFE
BACK INTO THE FLATTENED CRITTER.
- ONE, TWO, THREE...
- CPR CAN AND HAS WORKED IN ANIMALS.
MOST IMPORTANT ASPECT OF CPR,
OF COURSE, IS THE CHEST COMPRESSIONS.
MOUTH-TO-SNOUT RESUSCITATION CAN BE PERFORMED.
IT ALL DEPENDS ON HOW GOOD OF A SEAL
YOU CAN GET AROUND THE ANIMAL'S MOUTH.
- WE'RE GONNA MAKE IT.
announcer: ANYONE WHO GETS DOWN ON HER KNEES
IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROAD
TO RESURRECT A PIECE OF ROADKILL...
- ONE MORE. ONE, TWO...
announcer: SHOULDN'T BE SURPRISED
BY WHAT HAPPENS NEXT.
[coughs]
- WHEN A BUMPER HITS YOUR CHIN AND KNOCKS YOUR HEAD OFF,
IT'S ESSENTIALLY SHEARED OFF.
THERE'S A TEARING OF THE SKIN AND THE MUSCLES.
THE HEAD IS LIKELY SEPARATED
AT THE UPPER LEVELS OF THE VERTEBRAL COLUMN.
THE REST OF THE SOFT TISSUES ARE EASY TO TEAR OFF.
- OH, MY GOD. NO.
announcer: MORNING GLORY LOST HER HEAD.
BUT IT WAS NEVER SCREWED ON TOO TIGHT ANYWAY.